10 years ago

10 years ago was the worst day of my life. it was the day that my dad moved on to a better place. I can still feel how empty i felt sitting down on the couch and knowing i just lost my best friend. my dad was the most important thing in my life, as dad's usually are to their 10 year old kids.

I never felt mad at him, never felt mad at God, just kind of felt like it was something that happened and there's nothing I can do about it, so why get mad.

Honestly, I never address how I feel about it. I've always pushed my feelings away because whenever I even say the words "my dad" I start choking up. It's not something that sits well with me.

I get a little jealous of other people's dads and their relationship. In the past 10 years, I haven't had a dad to celebrate father's day with. I haven't been able to buy my dad a "world's best dad" coffee mug for. I have to look at things that he owned and remember how amazing he was and how half of my life I don't remember when he was alive because I was so young. I miss him more than anything I've ever felt.

Since that day, it's been hard to find a male figure that I really trust. Whenever I seem to find one, they seem to become greedy or something else happens, and it's really frustrating.

Today I didn't go to the cemetery. I can't take the site of my father's grave. Carved into the stone is a race car, a few carpenter tools, the dates august 31st, 1948-august 5th 1998, and families names. I can't stand being near it and all the sorrow that flows through me each time I'm even near the church at which he is buried.

This isn't the right way to deal with it, but I'm dealing with it.